Collegiate Health Issues

Being in college, you are exposed to many new things: People from different backgrounds than you, Professors with indiscernible accents, homeless people accosting you everyday (for the kids who attend inner-city universities!), and all things illegal and nastie. In addition to these confusing, painful experiences there are other things that are almost impossible to avoid: Health issues.

I have composed a few a case studies of some memorable health issues I have seen over the three semesters I have been at the University. **All names and images have been edited to protect the identities of the ill.** Oh and also I'm not a doctor. I am majoring in Spanish and French so do not take these case-studies as real deal ways to live your life. I can give you some sweet tunes or vegan cooking tips, but no real medical advice.

Case Study #1: ~*The Kissing Disease*~

Also known as mono or infections mononucleosis, this common collegiate disease has been ravaging the body of my good friend **Clint Pepsiley** for almost a month now. She ain't no hoe, so I know she didn't get it from sleeping around. BUT she is no stranger to sharing food / drinks soo that's probably the deal.

Prevention: Do not share anything, ever.

Symptoms: Fatigue, swollen lymph nodes, and sore throat. Ya know, basically the same symptoms of every other disease.

Coping: Rest up! If your lungs stop working or if you feel that your symptoms are getting worse, go see a doctor, he'll probably give you some high-quality meds.

Pros: Good excuse for not going to class. Also keeps away any grossies or are pursuing you (romantically).

Cons: Swollen lymph nodes.
Here you can see Clint enjoyed hours of hiking and skiing in the mountains. The after picture is an artist rendering since she has not left her room in days. Note the extreme pallor, swollen lymph nodes, and how the green eyeshadow compliments her hair and eyes.

Case Study #2: Urinary Tract Infection

You hear about it on The View all the time, but you never think it could happen to you, a normal person, and then BAM, painful urination. You've got the UTI. Was it the time you couldn't hold it in any longer and used the filthy bathroom at Starlight Ballroom after Girl Talk? The time you went hiking with no undies on? Or how about your little after hours "encounter" with that kid who rides a fixed gear but also doesn't shower often?

For **Silky Sasslady**, it still remains a mystery. It seemed that every time I had lunch with her, she was gulping down glasses upon glasses of cranberry juice to get rid of her infection.

Prevention: Clean it out. Avoid dirty people.

Symptoms: Painful urination, pain in the danger zone, and pain all around. Oh and you pee a lot. Painfully.

Coping: The best thing to do is drink lots of cranberry juice and pee. And of course, see a doctor.

Pros: All the cranberry juice you can drink! Oh and if you're a guy, a pro is that your urethra is way longer than a girl's so your chances of getting it are way lower!!!

Cons: It burns.

Before, Silky had sassy fashion and an affinity for fat cats. After her UTIs (judging from this picture) she's on an Indian reservation, turning tricks for sailors. Remember: Cranberries.

Case Study #3: Rhinovirus

The rhinovirus is the common cold. That's all. There was a Rugrats episode about it. While it may be common, it's also really annoying and affects basically everyone I know. My coppertopped friend **Leia Beauty** had it for alooong time last year and we still reminisce about it today.

Prevention: Pff, good luck. Just kidding. Rest is very important. The more run down you are, the more susceptible you are to the virus. Take vitamin C and wash your hands a lot (basically to the point of obsession where your hands are constantly chaffed and bleeding).

Symptoms: You're familiar.

Coping: Stock up on tissues and cough medicine (Avod robo-trips). Rest and drink HOT tea. Also, don't sniffle or cough for fifty minutes in class. It's your problem, leave your drama at the door.

Pros: Having a cold is the absolute worst. NO PROS. Although, Leia is a pro at having it.

Cons: The whole lot of it! But having a stuffy nose is pretty awful. Take advantage of being able to breathe normally when you can.

Before, Leia enjoyed working with produce, now she's a rhino flying up to heaven... Pysch! I just like fantasy artwork a lot.

Case Study #4: Alcohol Poisoning
How much XXX is in that jungle juice? Did I just have four shots or fourteen? Beer before liquor never ___? All things to ask yourself while you are unwinding over the weekend from the trials and tribulations of being in college. This is not for anyone specifically, just a general case study that's tremendously common on campus.

Prevention: Abstinence. But if that doesn't work, remember that your body is a temple. Call its number and get some information on it, like its hour of operations, can you take photographs once inside, restaurants in the vicinity of the temple, and most importantly your limits.

Symptoms: They say hiccuping is one of the first signs. Vomiting is always a good indicator too! But the best way to be sure someone is full up on the booze, is blacking out. But in all seriousness, please tone down your drinking and don't even get near the point of vomiting. Besides, lots of people have to pee and you are holding up the line by clutching the toilet all night.

Coping: Time heals all wounds.

Pros: None. Except maybe that .25 seconds after you throw up and you feel really good and invincible, but really, those .25 seconds of bliss aren't worth 4.25+ hours of death.

Cons: The whole deal. Bad news bears all around.
It's all fun and thumbs-up, but before you know it, you can't keep yours eyes open and someone's combing your hair with a brush that popped out of a plush pregnant cat toy thing.



Yes yes, so thankfully nobody I'm acquainted with has had anything TOO serious happen to them, but ya know, all these things are bad in their own way.

Stay informed and know whats up so you can avoid these common collegiate health issues and perfect your no nasties lifestyle.

Goodnight!